IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS WHOLLY AND ENTIRELY FICTITIOUS, MENDACIOUS, AND WRONG. IT WAS INTENDED AS AN EXAMPLE OF LIBELOUS WRITING, AND NOT AS GENUINE REPORTAGE.
They say apple never falls far from the tree. Every British man, woman, child, and mildly intelligent mongrel knows that David Cameron is as untrustworthy as a malnourished wolf in a sheep pen. Now the world knows it too. The Prime Minister’s deceptive gambit to conceal his father Sir Ian Cameron’s irredeemable involvement secret offshore tax havens has had millions of hardworking citizens calling for his resignation, and if I’m honest, I dearly hope he listens.
You see, we have cowered under the upper-class’ stranglehold over our diplomatic process for long enough. I’ve had it with entitled Etonians of Dave’s ilk slithering their way into the corridors of the power with the virulent ease of an Anthrax outbreak. I’ve had it with privileged penny pinchers ducking out of the way of the necessary taxes the rest of us pay without argument. And I’ve really, really had it with the secrecy.
Tax evaders like Ian, a convicted jaywalker no less, made fortunes at the expense of our NHS, infrastructure, and social services, and thus their legacy is little more than a mounting deficit and fraud. Dave could have begun to atone for the sins of his father if he told us outright of the £30,000 profit he made selling his shares in his father’s Bahama’s based shell company. Instead, he avoided every question on what Downing Street insisted on Monday was a “private matter”. Four days passed before the whole truth was beaten out of him.
If you ask me, Dave has handled this debacle the same way an overexcited toddler handles the accidental smashing of Mummy’s prized vase- brushing it under the rug with all the subtlety of a ten-ton bulldozer. Is this how the leader of our country should operate? Of course not. Perhaps Dave would learn his lesson if he was carried away from the scene of the disaster and forced to consider his wrongdoings, preferably in solitary confinement.
And what’s more, how can we trust his ‘published’ tax returns? We all know that published documents are passed to editors before we get them. I wonder what Dave and his team have tastefully left out of this edition. It wouldn’t surprise me if he lied to us again. That appears to be his specialty, after all.